Internet: How It Feels Like Your Only Friend After the Loss

Oh how many hours and Google searches I have spent reading every thing about dealing/coping/surviving the death of a baby, neonatal death, stillbirth (since I loss my daughter after 20 weeks), infant death, etc.

Then once the autopsy came back to say that the cause of the premature labor was a placental abruption, I read EVERYTHING known to man to try to find out why, how, why me, what, and why again.

Then the books out there. First, there are only a handful of books. Most of the book ignore the many other families that experience a vast variety of different types of baby loss. But the Internet search gave more information than I could ever read.... Yet I read.

I read the blogs, the medical sites, the hopeful sites, the depressing sites... I even read many sites like what you are reading right now :)... And strangely enough, those sites helped more than any word that came out of anyone's mouth.

Those sites let me know that my thoughts about losing my daughter are not crazy, they are shared. These random bouts of crying is as normal for a US mom going through this as a British mother going through this. The doctor was not lying when she said there wasn't nothing she could have done to save my daughter because many sites worldwide support what she said.

I used to think that I was searching all those many, many sites for an answer. But what I found was understanding. Understanding for how I felt, understanding for what happened to me, and understanding that the loss of my daughter will not go away-- it will just hurt less. At the time, I did not know it but those sites were there for me at a time when even I could not be there for me.

Thank you Internet.


  1. My heart aches for your loss. May the comfort of the Lord guide you on your journey to understand and to heal.

    Thank you for including my post, "Death of a Baby: One Parents' Response" on your blog. I feel blessed to know that my experience along with others you have encountered were able to help you.

    "At the time, I did not know it but those sites were there for me at a time when even I could not be there for me." ~ So succinctly and heartrendingly stated.

    This is a harsh saying, but still true: "The Lord gives and the Lord takes." Be blessed!

    1. Reading this and knowing that there is support out there make me feel comforted my bf is trying to be strong for the both of us, but I feel so sad and guilty sometimes when he breaks down I can see the hurt he wanted this baby so badly. I know she is watching over mommy and daddy in heaven. My lil angel Sarai Faith Clarke but I believe she completed her purpose although I want her back so badly. My bf and I have never been closer and the support from family and friends and my renewed belief I thank god every day for her my lil miracle and blessing. My name shadae