My Story: How I Joined The Club That No One Wants to Join

It was St. Patrick's Day, March 17, 2011 when I went to the hospital from getting the WORST pain in my life to find out after the hospital nurses took samples that I was pregnant.

I was so shocked and thrilled at the same time. How was I pregnant for so long and not really know? I'm pregnant?! Yay! Wow! 

I was told by doctors prior that without medical assistance I would never get pregnant; however, here I am on the phone calling my husband telling him to get here as soon as possible because I was about to go in for my first sonogram to make sure the baby was alright. Still in shock :)

Photo of Our Daughter Ashley

This is my beautiful daughter. At 21 weeks, she was just precious. I am so thankful to have at least this picture. And the header, those are her footprints (not the actual size). 

For Grieving Parents

First, I want to disclaim that I am not a doctor or a specialists or a counselor. These are things that I experienced that I want to share that may help another Mom or Dad that's out there seeking a cyber hug of understanding from another parent who has been through this.

Big Hug

First, I want to just give you Moms and Dads out there that loss your baby a big HUG .  I remember when it happened the best thing my best friend ever did was he gave me a big bear hug, listened, and then just sat there in silence with me for what felt like at least a solid 10 minutes. So, especially for you Moms or Dads who are suffering through this alone, I hope this big hug lets you know that you do have a friend in this HUG.

Am I A Mom?

I'm not even going to build up to the answer to this question-- YES! The second I knew I was pregnant, I changed my world for the sake of my unborn child. I made sure every thing I ate, every thing I did, and even things I was going to do were going to be for Ashley.

Why?

I ask this question almost every day. Sometimes I feel selfish for even wondering this because someone loses their child every day-- whether it's from a car accident, from a war or while working as a cop, or from a disease or illness. We are all someone's children; and therefore, anyone could lose a child.

Where is God in This?

It took me some time to actually address this portion of my journey dealing with the death of my daughter. I consider myself a woman of faith. Yet when I loss my daughter my faith was on shaky ground.

Placental Abruption: The Doctor's Answer to Why

First, it is not right that I had to wait until my 6 week appointment after giving birth and losing my daughter to get a medical opinion of what happened. I really felt like every day I was losing my mind. And the guilt! I think I went over every thing and every detail of pregnancy over and over again in my head every day hours at a time trying to find what I could have done differently to save my daughter.

When There Are No Other Children

First, I want to give love to the families who have to deal with grieving the loss of their infant while raising other children. I knew after the loss of my daughter I wanted the world to just stop so I could catch back up. But when you have other children depending on you, I can imagine that your aching heart has to be put on the back burner so you can tend to your other children. Cyber hug to you parents who are dealing with this. That is not my story but I do empathize with your plight.

But this post are for those parents who infant(s) that is gone was their only child(ren). For me, Ashley was my very first pregnancy as well as my first and only child thus far. This experience is truly a messed way to become a mother. I do not regret having Ashley-- I am not saying that at all. I just wish I had more time and more experiences with her.

Going Back to Work after Losing a Baby

I had mixed emotions about going back to work after my 6 weeks were up. My co-workers were extremely excited for me while I was pregnant; and extremely supportive and caring during the initial time after the loss. I work for a federal agency so once my leave was up I had to be back into work functioning at 150%.

I still remember that first day back at work. After receiving multiple hugs that day, I would keep trying to focus but it was the hardest thing to just return to 'business as usual”. I remember I went to the bathroom at least 3 times that first day just to cry. It is amazing how the world continues on like nothing has ever happened when the world has stopped for you when your baby died.

The Hard Question with the Harder Answer

The dreaded question that always comes up sometimes when you least expect it after losing your child or children is how many children do you have? 

I remember before going back into society after my 6 week leave from work, I made the decision that when asked the question I was going to mention Ashley.  Personally, I felt like it would be a betrayal to my daughter's existence to not say I had a daughter or I loss a daughter. 

Being There for Dad Too

When I gave birth to Ashley I lost over 2 liters of blood. My husband told me afterwards that during delivery there were times I looked dead. I told him that there were times that I could feel myself slipping away and what woke me back up was hearing him say my name. Then when I was rushed to the operating room, my husband was left alone with our dying daughter in his arms.

Internet: How It Feels Like Your Only Friend After the Loss

Oh how many hours and Google searches I have spent reading every thing about dealing/coping/surviving the death of a baby, neonatal death, stillbirth (since I loss my daughter after 20 weeks), infant death, etc.

Then once the autopsy came back to say that the cause of the premature labor was a placental abruption, I read EVERYTHING known to man to try to find out why, how, why me, what, and why again.

How to Stop Baby Related Mail

How to Stop Baby Related Mail and Marketing

The biggest reminder of my baby's death after I loss Ashley was my mail. It seemed like every other day, especially about a month after her original due date in August, I would receive life insurance offers, baby formula samples, Target coupons on diapers and clothes, and everything else that I would have love to received had Ashley lived after I gave birth to her

It felt cruel. It really got so bad at one point that I wouldn't even check the mail anymore and let my husband get it because I was tired and hurt about receiving items for my baby who is not here. I am sure many of you Moms and Dads share how I felt about the constant mail we receive after losing our babies. Then if it is not the physical mailbox overflowing with baby mail, your email also reminds you constantly of the baby that never made it home. It took some time for me to get it to stop but it can be done. I will share what I did and hopefully it will help you too.

10 Ways to Honor A Loss Baby

I strongly believe in acknowledging my daughter when ever I get an opportunity to do so. It is important to me that she is remembered and that her life continues to mean something. Therefore, I would like to share 10 of the ways Ashley's life has been honored.