The Hard Question with the Harder Answer

The dreaded question that always comes up sometimes when you least expect it after losing your child or children is how many children do you have? 

I remember before going back into society after my 6 week leave from work, I made the decision that when asked the question I was going to mention Ashley.  Personally, I felt like it would be a betrayal to my daughter's existence to not say I had a daughter or I loss a daughter. 

I find when I respond with I had a daughter or I loss a daughter, I usually get the "Oh, I'm sorry for your loss" and we move on with our conversation. It is two seconds of awkwardness but for me it feels appropriate to make sure I acknowledge Ashley and not treat her as some dirty little secret. Now occasionally, I will get the person who will pry and ask "What happened". I will briefly say that she died 2 1/2 hours after she was born. I usually don't go into too much more detail unless someone asks me-- and I actually had a few people who wanted to know more about the loss. 

So I'm sure some of you reading are saying "Well, what if it's too painful for me to keep saying it?" or "I just don't want to have to talk about it. It makes people sad." At the end of the day, it is your choice. I personally can understand if you decide to say we don't have any children if your loss baby was your only child or if you only mention your living children. I can only imagine how difficult it must be when you have other children and people see the living ones and assume that the living children are your only children. That will be something you will need to decide what is right for you and your family. 

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