When There Are No Other Children

First, I want to give love to the families who have to deal with grieving the loss of their infant while raising other children. I knew after the loss of my daughter I wanted the world to just stop so I could catch back up. But when you have other children depending on you, I can imagine that your aching heart has to be put on the back burner so you can tend to your other children. Cyber hug to you parents who are dealing with this. That is not my story but I do empathize with your plight.

But this post are for those parents who infant(s) that is gone was their only child(ren). For me, Ashley was my very first pregnancy as well as my first and only child thus far. This experience is truly a messed way to become a mother. I do not regret having Ashley-- I am not saying that at all. I just wish I had more time and more experiences with her.

Other people are so quick to try comfort you saying you will have more children. But what if you don't? The one thing that bothers now though are the constant questions I think about: What if Ashley was the only one? What if I am never meant to birth any more children? What if she was the only one meant to be?

I usually do not share those questions with others anymore because for people who cannot relate their immediate response is well you can adopt. But the adoption process is not an easy one; and even though that is a very real possibility it would not be the same. That child would not have features that trace back many generations from both of our sides of our families or my husband's mannerisms or mine. Sure I would love that child just as fiercely as I would love Ashley and that child would be my daughter or son wholeheartedly; but deep down, it would always seem a fraction less than if the child was my own flesh. Nothing against adoption (it is an option that I always entertain in my mind because many children do need a home and a loving family AND I have a brother and a sister who are adopted that I love no differently than my other brothers and sister) but I have to be honest with myself to know that there would be a hair of a difference in my experiences with an adopted child versus one of my own. I know I do not plan to rush into the adoption option any time soon but it is an option.

Then there is that thought of can I live with never having anymore children. I know for me I would love to have at least one more child that would live a longer than Ashley so my husband and I can have more experiences of parenthood. But what if that is not in the cards? Then what? These are very real thoughts to consider after losing a child and there is nothing crazy about it.... And I too am still trying to figure this one out.

It is just such a hurtful thing when the dream of raising of child is obtained through pregnancy but that is far as the dream goes. I really do not believe other people get how much deeper it hurts to have so much maternal love inside of you wanting to be given to your child but your child is not here to experience it.